Wednesday, November 28, 2012

I have been avoiding my blog for a little while now. I apologize. I truly want to use this blog to provoke positive thoughts. I don't believe I can accomplish that when I can't even be positive thinking myself. But, here I am! I am feeling well enough to write again and can share what has been going on in my life.

As some of you know, I have something called social anxiety. Let me explain it a little more for you. Most people get nervous when they have to go in front of an audience or do something for a large group of people. This is not me. I have found over the years, my anxiety stems from social interaction on the most basic level. I struggle with one on one confrontation with people I don't know, sometimes even people I do know. Yes, I know a lot of people have a hard time with going up to someone new and just start talking but my nervousness goes beyond just that. One of the biggest things I struggle with is phone calls. I don't know what it is about calling someone but I just can't do it. Even if I know the person, I won't call. Even if I know the person calling, I won't answer. I also have a hard time going anywhere. I get anxious even when I know every person that will be at the place I am going. Sometimes I send myself into an anxiety attack but most days I pray hard and God gives me some peace to do what needs to be done.

These are just a few examples of what I deal with on a daily basis. Since I have kids now, the anxiety has gotten stronger. Especially now that I stay at home with the kids. I am now the responsible one that has to take care of my family and some days are just plain difficult. Sometimes I put off making a simple phone call for months at a time (which usually just gets me in trouble.)

Holiday season is now here and that proves to be the hardest time of the year for me. Please don't get me wrong. I love my family and friends! I love being able to see them and gather with them. However, to do so, sends me into an attack every time. Most people can't understand exactly what I deal with (or my husband deals with for that matter) and can't understand why. That's okay. I try and explain up front to new people I meet and sometimes I have to remind people that have been in my life for a long time about my anxiety.

This is also a good time to state that I try super hard not to use this as some sort of crutch either. I have a life and I will continue to do so. Let me also say, I put my hope in God. For He is the only one who has proven to give me relief and peace. From very early on, my husband and I decided that loading me up on medication was out of the question. So I have turned to prayer. When I feel an attack coming on, I stop and pray. I meditate on what God is trying to tell me in that moment. Also, I want to use my life for Him and how can I do that when I let my anxiety stop me from doing something that is God's will for me?

Want an example of how God works in my life? One day while coming out of a local grocery store, I could hear the Holy Spirit talk to me. I was pregnant with my third child and also had my youngest with me at the time. We were walking to our car and noticed a woman hunched over her car with the hood up. She looked like she needed help. Normally in a situation like this, I tend to stay clear, especially when I have my children and by myself. That's when I heard God telling me to ask this woman if she needed help. I tried to ignore it but knew I couldn't and knew I needed to obey. So I put my child in the car with the groceries and went over to ask the woman if she needed help. It took every bit of the Lord's strength for me to do that and believe that none of it was my own! Thankfully, she did not end up needing help (not that I would have be able to, as I lack in car skills) but I knew I had listened to my Lord.

Call me crazy (you probably just might) but I love the way the Lord uses me. Not every situation is easy. There have been plenty of tears shed out of fear and doubt in myself. But I never doubt my Lord! I know he has a plan for me and I intend on obeying. I often wonder, would I be able to continue my faith while being tortured or burned for what I believe in? I honestly hope that opportunity never comes. Instead, I will continue my small feats of over coming my anxiety to do God's will.

Today, I ask that you open your heart and mind to hear God speaking to you in your own life. What does He ask of you? What does He want for your life? Where does He want you to be? If you let Him, He will change your life!

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

I had a dream last night that put a little spark on my heart this morning. The dream wasn't really important so much as how the dream made me feel. It took me back to high school days. Not that I particularly had a difficult high school experience but the way I felt in high school was horrible most of the time. It wasn't until I met my husband I knew why. 

When I met my husband, we fell in love almost instantly (although we were very stubborn to admit it at the time!) From that moment on, I knew I would give that man my whole heart. Little did I know, he would give me his as well.

Sorry, I don't mean to get all mushy on you so suddenly but he was honestly the first person to ever love me the way he does. He was the first person to choose to love me through all my faults and failures. He chooses everyday to stand by my side and lift me up with unconditional love and support.

This is something I never felt in high school. I was always depressed on some sort of level and never really understood my purpose in life. I have always felt this way since I can remember. After the death of a close friend freshman year, I even tried to take my own life.

Actually, I tried to take my life again shortly after that. They had loaded me up on "happy" pills to correct my dis-functioning brain, so the bottle of prescription pills were so readily available to me. At that moment, I took a second to pray. I asked for Jesus to help me and give me a clear sign on what to do. I had always been a "fan" of Christ Jesus but let me tell you, this was the day Christ changed my life. I could NOT get that pill bottle open! It was a simple child-proof top just like any other, but greater forces beyond me was stopping my hand from opening that bottle! I told the Lord that day, that second, that I would follow Him the rest of my days and I would never try to take my life again. 

It wasn't an easy task after that. I switched to a Lutheran school and tried to fit in. Looking back now, I don't think I ever really did. On top of that I had gotten involved in bad relationships that seemed to be on repeat. Although I never tried to commit suicide again, I thought of it often. I could never shake the feeling that I had no purpose. Until I met my husband.

We met the summer of my graduation and within months I was pregnant with our first baby girl. Although this is a story in itself, I'm not going into any more detail about that now. A few weeks after my 19th birthday, I became a mommy! Between the love of my husband and that baby girl, I have found my purpose!

It's so funny how God puts people in your life when you least expect it. I never knew I could be loved like that until my husband and now, even more, loved like that from God! It is truly the most perfect feeling; a sense of being complete. That is why I dedicate my life to sharing the gospel of the Lord because it is truly through Jesus in which I was saved. I will keep serving Him with my life, as I will my husband.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

Hi all!! Me again! Trying something new today and tried a video! Please don't mind the dark circles under my eyes and the lack of hair styling! haha! I hope you all enjoy it. Leave a comment of encouragement! Thanks : )